Many people ask themselves: "Why do I keep attracting the same type of person?"

Even when the people look different, the emotional experience can feel strangely familiar.

I tend to ask a different question: "What is this relationship showing me about myself?"

In my experience, relationships are some of the greatest mirrors we have. They don't just reveal who the other person is — they can also reveal how we relate to ourselves and others.

We all bring unconscious patterns into relationships. Some begin in childhood, others through later experiences. Until we become aware of them, they can quietly influence what feels familiar, who we're drawn to, and how we respond when we're emotionally triggered.

The Shadow and What We See in Others

One idea that has influenced my work greatly comes from Carl Jung and his concept of the shadow — the parts of ourselves we've pushed out of awareness because, at some point, they didn't feel safe, accepted, or welcome.

Relationships can bring these parts back into our awareness.

But I don't believe they only reveal our wounds. They can also reveal qualities we haven't fully developed, have suppressed, or haven't given ourselves permission to express, such as:

• Confidence
• Freedom
• Authenticity
• Playfulness
• Creativity
• Independence

Sometimes we are strongly attracted to someone because they embody something we recognise deeply but haven't fully developed in ourselves.

This doesn't necessarily mean they're "the one" or that they are somehow extraordinary. They may simply carry qualities that we haven't yet claimed for ourselves.

Because those qualities feel so powerful to us, we can sometimes idealise the person who embodies them. We focus on what they represent and overlook their limitations and complexity.

As we begin developing those qualities within ourselves, something often changes. We can appreciate them in others without needing to put the person on a pedestal.

The Needs We Project Onto Others

There is another layer to attraction: what we believe someone can give us.

When important needs haven't been met — whether in childhood or later in life — we may unconsciously look for another person to fulfil them:

• Safety
• Stability
• Approval
• Freedom
• Direction
• A feeling of being seen, chosen, or enough

Instead of asking, "How can I develop or create more of this in my own life?" we may unconsciously ask, "Who can give this to me?"

This is where projection can become powerful. We can see a quality in someone and unconsciously attach our unmet needs and expectations to it, imagining that this person will finally provide what we've been missing.

The attraction itself isn't the problem. A more useful question is: "Why does this person affect me so deeply?"

Sometimes the answer is that they feel familiar. We can unconsciously recreate emotional dynamics we've known before simply because they are familiar, even when they aren't healthy for us. Other times, the attraction may point towards something we genuinely want to develop or experience in our own lives. Sometimes it's both.

So when you feel a particularly strong attraction, it can be useful to ask: "Does this person feel familiar because this dynamic is something I've known before? Or are they showing me qualities I genuinely want to welcome into my own life?"

Awareness doesn't mean analysing every attraction until the magic disappears. It simply gives us more freedom to understand what is drawing us towards someone instead of automatically following the pull.

When Attraction Changes

Our strongest emotional reactions can also point towards something that hasn't been fully processed or integrated: an emotional wound, limiting belief, rejected part of ourselves, unmet need, or boundary we've never learned to honour.

As we become more aware of these parts and begin integrating them, our relationships can change too.

• We may project less
• We may become less attracted to intensity simply because it feels familiar
• We may stop idealising people because we no longer need them to embody something we haven't developed within ourselves

And attraction can become less about filling an inner gap and more about genuine compatibility — shared values, emotional availability, mutual respect, growth, and the kind of life we actually want to build together.

How Reiki Fits Into My Work

This is one of the reasons Reiki became an important part of my work.

From my experience, the emotions and beliefs formed around past relationships and experiences can remain beneath our conscious awareness. They can influence what feels familiar, what we are attracted to, what we project onto others, and what we tolerate in relationships.

I see Reiki as a way of bringing some of these buried emotions and limiting beliefs into awareness, so they can be felt and processed rather than continuing to shape our relationships automatically.

As we work through them, we can begin to see people more as they are — not only through what we need, fear, or hope they will give us. This can create more freedom to choose relationships based on genuine compatibility rather than unconscious patterns.